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I’m upset that I’m pregnant with a girl

“Looks like you’re going to deal with another girl” were the words that shook me. I wasn’t ready. I thought to myself, “arg, why didn’t I just wait till the child was born.” “I don’t want a girl, does this mean I won’t enjoy my pregnancy?”

I was 18 weeks pregnant and it was the day of the big ultrasound, the one where you find out the important stuff like whether your baby is healthy and if everything is functioning correctly. For most parents-to-be, it’s an opportunity to quell their fears and exhale with relief. I was extremely lucky, let me say that first. I understand how lucky I was. My baby was anatomically perfect, everything was working the way it should. The only problem was that she had an unexpected organ: a vagina.

My grandmother had four girls, those girls all had girls, and now my generation, we’re also having girls. I was hoping to be the first one in the family to bring a boy great-grandchild but it was not the case.

I actually shed tears when the doctor said it was a girl, but at the same time, I was so embarrassed and ashamed of my tears. How could I be upset when I had beat the odds of deformities, diseases, and disorders?

My first child is a girl
I prayed for a boy 12 years ago when I found out I was pregnant because I was scared to bring a girl into this world because of how it is. When I found out it was a girl, I cried for a week, but I quickly got over it and I fell in love with her the minute she was born.

I don’t want to raise fatherless girls
My first child’s father told me to my face that he didn’t want to be a dad, I was 18 and he looked at me and said: “have an abortion or I’m out”. It’s been over 11 years and I guess he meant what he said because he hasn’t reached out since. Fortunately for me, my step-father has played an amazing father-figure role with my daughter. It’s beautiful to watch.

My second child’s father was there at the beginning of my pregnancy, but at 4 and a half months, he disappeared. This drove me to want a boy more than anything because of the notion of “boys get attached to their moms”. To be honest, I am scared, it’s quite obvious that I will be raising my second child alone. I am scared of raising yet another fatherless girl. I have seen what not having a father does to girls and I don’t want my children to go through that. I, myself don’t know my biological father and it breaks me every time I think about it, and now I’m putting my children through the same thing.

I know I’m going to make an amazing mom to both my girls but I can’t help but feel I’ve failed as a parent already.

Moms, help. Is it normal to feel like this when you don’t get the sex you expected? How did you deal with it?

If like me, you’re also going through gender disappointment, I would suggest this article I found online.

Photo by Marjorie Bertrand on Unsplash

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