About 7 years ago, my cousin asked me “if you could go back in time, which year would you go back to?”. Without hesitation, I said “I’d go back to when I was 17. When she asked why specifically 17, my answer was “I didn’t have a kid back then.”
Fast forward to 2021, two kids later, I still feel the same way.
This is something I have been vocal about, (you get judged a lot for saying this but I created this blog so we could have such honest conversations) as much as having kids is a ‘choice’, I’ve always felt that my youth was taken away too quickly. Having kids means growing up quicker than your peers, being aware of everything around you, and having kids means you do not have the luxuries to ‘fuck up’ because you have someone/people who look up to you. I thought things would change the older I got, but two kids in, now more than ever I realize that being a mom is simply not my calling.
It’s from the little things like not getting enough sleep or time alone to the big things like being emotionally, physically, and most importantly financially responsible for these kids, forever.
I’ve been a single parent to both my kids since they were been born and last week, things finally came crashing down. I couldn’t take it anymore, I just didn’t want to be a mother anymore, so I contemplated taking my own life. I obviously didn’t succeed but thinking that my kids are better off without me is something that’s been on my mind for some time now. And the worse part is that you can’t even talk to anyone about it. I was part of 2 mommy groups but left because I didn’t feel like they were authentic, I didn’t feel like I could even say that on those groups, let alone talk about it to people who don’t have kids. Besides, people never know what to say in those situations so sometimes it’s best you don’t involve them.
I love my kids to death, and I don’t see life moving forward without them but I hate motherhood and everything that comes with it. I have spoken to a few moms who feel the same, but they always end things with “I wouldn’t change a damn thing.” But, here’s the thing… I would. I would change it all. Because, in my heart of hearts, I don’t like being a mother.
My kids are absolutely amazing, I have a pre-teen who is creative and inquisitive, and my toddler, man she amazes me every day. They are both smart, beautiful and so loveable.
Expressing discontentment with motherhood is so taboo that it’s difficult to find like-minded people who might be going through similar feelings. If you’re a mom, and you don’t love it, you are not alone. Try to remind yourself that not everyone loves the job of parenting, but that doesn’t mean you love your child/ren any less than someone who does.